Quote

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Eyes
Reading
Eye
Asleep
Funny
Sudden
Fall
Closed
Book
Notice
Time
Falling
Like
Humor

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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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