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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Never
Time
Killing
Love
Learned
Thought
Ever
Firsts
First
Even
More quotes by Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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