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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Never
Time
Killing
Love
Learned
Thought
Ever
Firsts
First
Even
More quotes by Steven Wright
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright