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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ever
Firsts
First
Even
Never
Time
Killing
Love
Learned
Thought
More quotes by Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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