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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Right
Time
Think
Thinking
Amnesia
Classic
Forgotten
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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What do batteries run on?
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright