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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Right
Time
Think
Thinking
Amnesia
Classic
Forgotten
Humor

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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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What do batteries run on?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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