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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Right
Time
Think
Thinking
Amnesia
Classic
Forgotten

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright