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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Right
Time
Think
Thinking
Amnesia
Classic
Forgotten
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
