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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Head
Comes
Things
Spits
Life
Twigs
Like
Spit
Branches
Throw
More quotes by Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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