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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Throw
Humor
Head
Comes
Things
Spits
Life
Twigs
Like
Spit
Branches
More quotes by Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright