Quote

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Throw
Humor
Head
Comes
Spits
Things
Life
Twigs
Like
Spit
Branches

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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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