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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Together
Gonna
Trying
Watching
Years
Minutes
Thinking
Wasn
People
Year
Comedians
Five
Bizarre
Stuff
Influenced
Kids
Comedian

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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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