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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Kids
Persons
Person
Things
Never
Wow
Like
Stage
Attention
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
