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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Kids
Persons
Person
Things
Never
Wow
Like
Stage
Attention
More quotes by Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright