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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Kids
Persons
Person
Things
Never
Wow
Like
Stage
Attention
More quotes by Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I took a baby shower.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
