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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Song
Subject
Shows
Exactly
Everything
Subjects
Note
Every
Minutes
Seconds
Like
Almost
Minute
Audience
Changing
Five
Notes
Show
Wrote
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I took a baby shower.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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