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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Like
Almost
Minute
Audience
Changing
Five
Notes
Show
Wrote
Song
Subject
Shows
Exactly
Everything
Subjects
Note
Every
Minutes
Seconds
More quotes by Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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