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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Audience
Changing
Five
Notes
Show
Wrote
Song
Subject
Shows
Exactly
Everything
Subjects
Note
Every
Minutes
Seconds
Like
Almost
Minute
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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