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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Every
Minutes
Seconds
Like
Almost
Minute
Audience
Changing
Five
Notes
Show
Wrote
Song
Subject
Shows
Exactly
Everything
Subjects
Note
More quotes by Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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