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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
May
Jokes
Giving
Illusion
Trying
Telling
Something
Continue
Really
Creating
Think
Imagination
Thinking
Stories
Connected
People
Give
Using
More quotes by Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright