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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Shows
Award
Used
Academy
Awards
Give
Weird
Giving
Usually
Kind
Seeing
Show
House
Surreal

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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