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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Giving
Weird
Kind
Usually
Seeing
Show
House
Surreal
Shows
Award
Used
Academy
Give
Awards

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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