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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Giving
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Usually
Seeing
Show
House
Surreal
Shows
Award
Used
Academy
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Awards
More quotes by Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
