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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Seeing
Show
House
Surreal
Shows
Award
Used
Academy
Give
Awards
Giving
Weird
Kind
Usually

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright