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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fiction
Reading
Read
Pair
Two
Pairs
Twice
Wearing
Glasses
Bible

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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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