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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Reading
Read
Pair
Two
Pairs
Twice
Wearing
Glasses
Bible
Fiction

More quotes by Steven Wright

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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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