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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Two
Pairs
Twice
Wearing
Glasses
Bible
Fiction
Reading
Read
Pair

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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I took a baby shower.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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