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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Read
Pair
Two
Pairs
Twice
Wearing
Glasses
Bible
Fiction
Reading

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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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