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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thought
Wouldn
Wanted
Told
Years
Head
People
Happen
Friends
Tell
Superstitious
Didn
Comedian
Happens
Kept

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright