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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Happens
Kept
Thought
Wouldn
Wanted
Told
Years
Head
People
Happen
Friends
Tell
Superstitious
Didn
Comedian
More quotes by Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I took a baby shower.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
