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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Years
Head
People
Happen
Friends
Tell
Superstitious
Didn
Comedian
Happens
Kept
Thought
Wouldn
Wanted
Told
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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