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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
People
Happen
Friends
Tell
Superstitious
Didn
Comedian
Happens
Kept
Thought
Wouldn
Wanted
Told
Years
Head
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I took a baby shower.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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