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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Friends
Tell
Superstitious
Didn
Comedian
Happens
Kept
Thought
Wouldn
Wanted
Told
Years
Head
People
Happen
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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