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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Dream
Johnny
Thought
Comics
Used
Brilliant
Every
Watches
Always
Watch
Would
Show
Night
Shows
Carson
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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