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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thought
Comics
Used
Brilliant
Watches
Every
Watch
Always
Show
Would
Night
Shows
Carson
Dream
Johnny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright