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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Dream
Johnny
Thought
Comics
Used
Brilliant
Every
Watches
Always
Watch
Would
Show
Night
Shows
Carson

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright