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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Shows
Carson
Dream
Johnny
Thought
Comics
Used
Brilliant
Every
Watches
Always
Watch
Would
Show

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright