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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Life
Create
Contrived
Situation
Forced
Word
Joke
Write
Concept
Live
Concepts
Writing
Material
Trying
Jokes
Things
Materials
More quotes by Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
