Quote

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Head
Written
Guy
Talk
Improv
Presents
Rarely
Writer
Stage

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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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