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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stage
Head
Written
Guy
Talk
Improv
Presents
Rarely
Writer

More quotes by Steven Wright

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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright