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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Writer
Stage
Head
Written
Guy
Talk
Improv
Presents
Rarely
More quotes by Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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