Quote

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Head
Written
Guy
Talk
Improv
Presents
Rarely
Writer
Stage

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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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