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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Presents
Rarely
Writer
Stage
Head
Written
Guy
Talk
Improv
More quotes by Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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