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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stage
Head
Written
Guy
Talk
Improv
Presents
Rarely
Writer

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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