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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Talk
Improv
Presents
Rarely
Writer
Stage
Head
Written
Guy

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright