Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Last
Words
Wish
Death
Ends
Quote
Firsts
Bed
First
Word
Sometimes
Lasts
More quotes by Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
