Quote

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
First
Word
Sometimes
Lasts
Last
Words
Wish
Death
Ends
Quote
Firsts
Bed

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright