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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Firsts
Bed
First
Word
Sometimes
Lasts
Last
Words
Wish
Death
Ends
Quote
More quotes by Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
