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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Sometimes
Lasts
Last
Words
Wish
Death
Ends
Quote
Firsts
Bed
First
Word
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright