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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
First
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Sometimes
Lasts
Last
Words
Wish
Death
Ends
Quote
Firsts
Bed
More quotes by Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
