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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hope
Find
Wells
Hologram
Might
Holograms
Well
Investigated
Real
Mines
Really
Mine
Life
Exist

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I took a baby shower.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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