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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Real
Mines
Really
Mine
Life
Exist
Hope
Find
Wells
Hologram
Might
Holograms
Well
Investigated

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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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What do batteries run on?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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