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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Life
Exist
Hope
Find
Wells
Hologram
Might
Holograms
Well
Investigated
Real
Mines
Really
Mine
More quotes by Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
