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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ever
Predict
People
Jokes
Laugh
Works
Laughing
Four
Stills
Still

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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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