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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Laughing
Four
Stills
Still
Ever
Predict
People
Jokes
Laugh
Works
More quotes by Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright