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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
People
Jokes
Laugh
Works
Laughing
Four
Stills
Still
Ever
Predict

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright