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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Laugh
Works
Laughing
Four
Stills
Still
Ever
Predict
People
Jokes
More quotes by Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright