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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Laugh
Works
Laughing
Four
Stills
Still
Ever
Predict
People
Jokes
More quotes by Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
