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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Money
Charged
Street
Tried
Streets
Guy

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright