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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Streets
Guy
Money
Charged
Street
Tried
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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