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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Charged
Street
Tried
Streets
Guy
Money

More quotes by Steven Wright

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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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