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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Money
Charged
Street
Tried
Streets
Guy

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright