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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Charged
Street
Tried
Streets
Guy
Money
More quotes by Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I took a baby shower.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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