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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Barbie
Toys
Popular
Humor
Fun
Friends
Funny

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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright