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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Toys
Popular
Humor
Fun
Friends
Funny
Barbie

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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright