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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Still
Telling
Going
Films
Started
Television
Born
Film
Ends
Stills
Jokes
More quotes by Steven Wright
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
